I literally just took the biggest sigh right before I started typing.

I'm in such a weird transition in my life. Actually, I take that back. The transition itself isn't strange, but I think that the way I am feeling about it all is what's weirding me out. I think I thought that this would bring such a sense of peace and calmness and fresh air. And maybe it will. It hasn't officially kicked off yet, but I didn't have the whole "weight lifted off your shoulders" feeling when I approached my boss about quitting like I thought I would. I'm not giddy and excited, anxiously counting down the days. I'm just waiting for the days to pass. Which is why I felt it necessary to quit in the first place. I felt like that was all that I did anyways. Waiting for time to go by, finding ways to keep myself busy. Wished weeks away so that I could be in a different place, and here I am, fastly approaching this new period in my life and I'm beyond stressed and not at all relishing in the moment as though I feel any book of quotes would be telling me to do right now.

And then I'm struck with the guilt. I am so keenly aware of how lucky and blessed I am to be able to not only have been given the desire for something that could be a financial relief and makes me the happiest, but to have an opportunity and an incredibly supportive husband that has been telling me to quit my job for the last year to chase this "not so crazy" crazy dream of mine. (My husbands words are in the quotes. See. I'm lucky.) I can't help but feel as though I am being irresponsible/immature/selfish for wanting to quit a steady paycheck and overall great job. I can't help as though feeling like a B-I-you-know-what for claiming that I'm too stressed to keep working full time, part time picture taking, once a week obligation to an internship, and God Forbid I give up my social life on the weekends!

See what I mean. I am selfish.

But, I've been given an opportunity. And keeping all of the above mentioned in the back of my mind, I'd be an idiot not to take it.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't deal well with stress. I've never really had too...and so now, as an adult, I'm not sure where to channel it.

Would you believe me if I told you that this was so NOT anywhere close to what I was going to write about. I actually wanted to record a few of my co-workers responses to me quitting, just so that I don't forget how they made me feel. Actually, one of them didn't even say anything. She made a hand gesture, and it was all I needed to know that there is a good chance I am making the right decision.

Art is so funny. I'd love to divulge into my inner artist and decide, within myself, why I truly create it. It's a double edged sword if you ask me. But that's for another post.

For now...to relishing.

Writing makes me feel better

I have no idea how to start this post, and then transition into the point of the post, so off we go.

For starters, I am so lucky that I married someone who truly pushes me to be better than I ever thought I was. I feel like I say that all the time (Maybe I don't. Maybe I just think it a lot) and I hate to be the girl that swears up and down that "No really, I got the greatest guy. Seriously, I'm the luckiest," because I'm obviously biased, but I seriously lucked out with the guy that I just so happened to fall in love with.

I never really thought that I needed someone to make me better. I thought I was pretty alright. I always had a decent dose of confidence and my Mom always told me I was a catch...I never was that girl that looked for someone to make me a better person. I never looked for validation from a guy.

And yet, here I am, a better person for the man that I married. Ironic, hey. Such is life, I suppose. Can't believe sometimes how much he believes in me.

I'm struggling with some things right now. I've got some pretty exciting life plans that with some hard work , little bit of luck, and someone looking down on me could potentially unfold right before my eyes quite beautifully. But it's really hard for me to see myself there.

I'm not always sure I deserve it. Although, I also think if anyone deserves it...it's me. How entitled.

Whew. I'm stressing myself out with my indecisiveness about my worth.

During a conversation between Matt and I, I was reminded of a quote from one of my favorite photographers, Jasmine Star. She says that her husband told her that he would rather see her fail at something she loves, than succeed at something she hates.

I realized during that conversation that I'm mastering both of those. By holding onto fears, worries, my stresses, I am limiting my success at something that I so badly want to succeed at. And by not letting go of those same fears, worries and stressors, I am succeeding at a job that I wouldn't quite say I hate, but that I definitely don't love, by continuing to put energy, time, and effort into a job that is strictly that. Just a job....

Sometimes the easiest decisions to make are so hard to actually do.

Inspriational

So, I'm totally in a place right now that I can decide is a place of peace or a place of frustration and torment. I am one of the lucky one's that has found a true passion in their life on this earth and I say that with all sincerity because after I quit basketball in the 9th grade due to a back injury, I wasn't sure that I would ever love something like that again. Cheesy, yes. But oh so true. I loved basketball, I mean, I REALLY loved basketball. It drove me. It challanged me. I gave me work ethic. It gave me desire. It put a fire in my soul, and some day's lit a fire under my ass. If I didn't do anything else all day, I at least shot around the basketball. It made me proud. It made me strong. It made me feel alive. I was acknowledged, and not just because I was part of a team. I was a leader on every team I was a part of. I had something different than everyone else on the team to contribute and it was recognized. I was known as the scrapper...meaning, I'd do anything to get that ball. I may not have always stuck to the plays, I didn't always have the best technique and I definitely didn't make all my shots, but by god, I was going to get that ball in my possession.

Sigh.

And here I am. Driven. Challanged (Holy Shit, am I challanged). Desiring to work and learn. Sacrificing to work and learn. I have a fire in my soul...and some day's, all I've done is picked up my camera and taken a few shots. I'm so, so proud of how far I've come and the choices I've made. My creativity is stronger than it's ever been. I'm alive. I'm acknowledged.

I had such a wonderful conversation with a new friend this evening and was so encouraged by her advice and opinions. Run down for myself:
I'll never be ready.

Sometimes the things I may not be ready for, may be the greatest tool.

Don't ever underestimate the power of knowledge.

Little reminders about the big things

So this post is more for me to look back fondly as a reminder to stay grounded, you know, when I'm a rockstar photographer, having to turn away business because I'm so popular! :) (I hope I don't lose my sense of sarcasm when I'm famous)! Anyways...truth is, I want to record how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, path's I'm choosing, and where I'm going. That way, when I get there, I have this as a walk down memory lane.

Although I can't quote it exactly, I once heard a peice of advice that has stuck with me, and it goes a little something like this: Journal every day, starting young. As you get older, you'll be able to see how much you have learned, and maybe even learn something from yourself.
I've journaled since the 4th grade. (that one may or may not have been a shared journal between two best friends, with weekly update's on our neighbor, turned crush, turned boyfriend, turned jerk, etc., etc., etc....you get it right?!) But like I was saying, I journaled almost daily from about the age of 10 until my sophmore year of college. From there, it get's a little spotty. I always made sure to document when I thought I met the man I was going to marry :) But other than that, there are a lot, A LOT of forgotten moment's that I would love to relish in, turning bent pages, a cup of coffee, a smile, a laugh, maybe even a tear. The best part about journaling is the honesty.

It's raw and it's real. There's no one to impress, no one to give or deny approval. Not even myself. (Although I did always try to have my cleanest, bubbliest handwriting).

While impressing clients with my talent is obviously the point of marketing yourself, I have to always be real. That's what I want from my photographs. I want them to be genuine and honest. Because that's what being in the moment is all about.

*Heavy Sigh*

Soooooooo, on to the real reason of this post. I'm going to bullet point these reminders, for the sake of keeping them short and sweet.
Remember:
~To never let your head get bigger than your heart.
~To remember what it's all about.
~To listen. To your client, your instinct, and the words of encouragement coming from the sideline.
~To take criticism just as easily as you take compliments. Or maybe it's the other way around.
~To never be afraid to fail at something you love.

In no particular order.

To learning.

Let me introduce....

This angel face here is my new niece! My little brother created this beauty of a thing and I think she is just the most precious creature to (one day) walk this earth! She was born on March 11th, two days after her due date. I was so lucky to get to be there for her birth! Getting to share such an exciting moment with a sibling...it's priceless. And, because I don't go anywhere exciting without my camera, I was able to capture some beautiful moments that otherwise might have been eventually lost in the blur of exciting events that day!

I also informed my brother that he had no choice-I was taking her newborn photos! I COULDN'T pass up an opportunity to practice my newborn shooting skills. The fact that she is blood to me gives me all privilages to dress her in ridiculously cute headbands and the most adorable angel wings, right?! I'm sure I'm biased for more than one reason but I am so happy with the pictures. It was so reassuring to have a vision and see it become real. It's also kind of fun to surprise yourself!

9 times out of 10, I am my own worst enemy. I critique every detail of my work and so easily become discouraged that "who am I" to be great at this? "Who am I" to know what the hell I'm doing, more than the next guy. I compare my pictures, my therapeutic moments at work, my wife skills, my dog's ability to 'come' compared to the next dog at the local dog park...and the list goes on. In a way, I'm glad that I am probably one of my hardest critics because it only pushes me to work harder, learn more, and most importantly-think outside of the box. I've always been a creative person. Art was my favorite subject growing up other than basketball. But creativity is something that can get very lost in comfort. Being too comfortable, too sure of yourself, too burnt out. I definitely haven't reached a point of being burnt out. And I'm definitely still learning so much that I am not completely comfortable shooting in any situation. I'm still working on the confidence that I will know exactly which setting to be at in order to get the picture that I desire, and not just luck into them. So, all in all, it's not the worst thing to be hard on myself. It keeps me on my toes.

Anyways, the photographer that I am interning under has encouraged me to journal my process of being a "starving photographer"! Haha! But, I hardly make the time to journal with pen and paper these days, and I have minimal drama to gab about on my blog so I will use my blog as my sounding board. Now if I can just write more than once a quarter! :)

So the messer become's the mess-e

So there was this photography internship that I applied for about this time last year....and I didn't get it. And then the girl that got it, got pregnant and decided she could no longer intern. So I applied again for the same internship...and didn't get it.

Or so I thought.

I got an email a couple of weeks ago from the photographers saying that they have an opportunity for me and would like to meet. Long story short, they really wanted me as their intern but the test results (yes, there was a test for this) showed a better match in editing with another applicant. She apparently had a great eye for it and was very close to their style.

But what I didn't know is that they were also looking for someone to help them teach their classes, which is how I met them in the first place. I have taken their entire series of classes and learned so much from them. They decided they wanted someone to help them lead classes a couple of times a week in return for guidance in bettering (that's a word right?) photography skills and learning the business. And they reached out to me because they were confident I could do it and thought I had a great personality for it! *Insert my in shock but totally flattered face* They offered me an internship to teach the same classes that I was actually considering re-taking to see if I could get anything more from taking them over!!

Uuummmmmm, excuse me? You want me, little ol' me, the pupil, the amateur, the going on 2 years beginner, to TEACH other people how to do all the things I still feel so "beginner-ish" about? Uuummm. OKAY!

So that's it! I'm doing it. Both times I applied for the editing position, I reassured myself that what will be, will be. While I was a little dissapointed both times I didn't get the spot, I wasn't devestated and I totally believed that I was on a road that WILL lead me to where I need to go. I had taken the opportunity, but I knew that if it didn't happen, then it wasn't supposed to. I had my discouraging moments and a few times I've thought to myself that I don't know if I can achieve what I want to so badly, but I had such a strong feeling in my gut that something more than what it already is will come from this. Even in the blur of dissapointment, it all just felt right.

When I got that email, I had confirmation that I had been right all along. This position is such a better fit for me. They say you learn more from teaching, so there is no way I can't gain from this. I am so grateful for Fife Photography. They have taught me so much not just about photography but about what I want from it. They are an awesome family with a desire to help others love and be successful with this art. What great people! I am so lucky to get to work side by side with them and can't wait to start!

Soooooo, if you've ever been interested in sprucing up your skills on the camera...you should check out their classes. And if you're lucky, maybe I'll be your teacher. ;)

www.Fifephotogaphy.com/lessons/

To learning! (and teaching)

Spreading the Love

There is too much hurt in this world. Therefore, maybe we should create more joy, more happiness, more laughter and more love to balance it out...right?

But who do we create it for?

Because to bring about this positive energy for myself...well, isn't that just selfish? I've got enough. Far more than I deserve. Enough to give me a guilty concious every now and then. To offer it to my friends and family...not that they wouldn't benefit from it, but again, I am gratefully surrounded by people that, like me, are beyond blessed with wonderful people in their lives and wonderful things going for them. So, to feel like I am truly making a difference by being a good friend, daughter, wife, sister, etc....it's not neccesarily life changing for those that need it the most.



Anyways, just had an emotional day. Saw too many stray dogs on my way to work and dealt with too many kids with gut wrenching, heart breaking, keep-me-awake-at-night-thinking-about-them stories. While this is a daily for me (seriously, stray dogs nearly every day), some days it just weighs heavier on my heart.

Some things just feel better when you get them down on paper, err, computer screen.

Smile at someone today.