Writing makes me feel better

I have no idea how to start this post, and then transition into the point of the post, so off we go.

For starters, I am so lucky that I married someone who truly pushes me to be better than I ever thought I was. I feel like I say that all the time (Maybe I don't. Maybe I just think it a lot) and I hate to be the girl that swears up and down that "No really, I got the greatest guy. Seriously, I'm the luckiest," because I'm obviously biased, but I seriously lucked out with the guy that I just so happened to fall in love with.

I never really thought that I needed someone to make me better. I thought I was pretty alright. I always had a decent dose of confidence and my Mom always told me I was a catch...I never was that girl that looked for someone to make me a better person. I never looked for validation from a guy.

And yet, here I am, a better person for the man that I married. Ironic, hey. Such is life, I suppose. Can't believe sometimes how much he believes in me.

I'm struggling with some things right now. I've got some pretty exciting life plans that with some hard work , little bit of luck, and someone looking down on me could potentially unfold right before my eyes quite beautifully. But it's really hard for me to see myself there.

I'm not always sure I deserve it. Although, I also think if anyone deserves it...it's me. How entitled.

Whew. I'm stressing myself out with my indecisiveness about my worth.

During a conversation between Matt and I, I was reminded of a quote from one of my favorite photographers, Jasmine Star. She says that her husband told her that he would rather see her fail at something she loves, than succeed at something she hates.

I realized during that conversation that I'm mastering both of those. By holding onto fears, worries, my stresses, I am limiting my success at something that I so badly want to succeed at. And by not letting go of those same fears, worries and stressors, I am succeeding at a job that I wouldn't quite say I hate, but that I definitely don't love, by continuing to put energy, time, and effort into a job that is strictly that. Just a job....

Sometimes the easiest decisions to make are so hard to actually do.

Inspriational

So, I'm totally in a place right now that I can decide is a place of peace or a place of frustration and torment. I am one of the lucky one's that has found a true passion in their life on this earth and I say that with all sincerity because after I quit basketball in the 9th grade due to a back injury, I wasn't sure that I would ever love something like that again. Cheesy, yes. But oh so true. I loved basketball, I mean, I REALLY loved basketball. It drove me. It challanged me. I gave me work ethic. It gave me desire. It put a fire in my soul, and some day's lit a fire under my ass. If I didn't do anything else all day, I at least shot around the basketball. It made me proud. It made me strong. It made me feel alive. I was acknowledged, and not just because I was part of a team. I was a leader on every team I was a part of. I had something different than everyone else on the team to contribute and it was recognized. I was known as the scrapper...meaning, I'd do anything to get that ball. I may not have always stuck to the plays, I didn't always have the best technique and I definitely didn't make all my shots, but by god, I was going to get that ball in my possession.

Sigh.

And here I am. Driven. Challanged (Holy Shit, am I challanged). Desiring to work and learn. Sacrificing to work and learn. I have a fire in my soul...and some day's, all I've done is picked up my camera and taken a few shots. I'm so, so proud of how far I've come and the choices I've made. My creativity is stronger than it's ever been. I'm alive. I'm acknowledged.

I had such a wonderful conversation with a new friend this evening and was so encouraged by her advice and opinions. Run down for myself:
I'll never be ready.

Sometimes the things I may not be ready for, may be the greatest tool.

Don't ever underestimate the power of knowledge.

Little reminders about the big things

So this post is more for me to look back fondly as a reminder to stay grounded, you know, when I'm a rockstar photographer, having to turn away business because I'm so popular! :) (I hope I don't lose my sense of sarcasm when I'm famous)! Anyways...truth is, I want to record how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, path's I'm choosing, and where I'm going. That way, when I get there, I have this as a walk down memory lane.

Although I can't quote it exactly, I once heard a peice of advice that has stuck with me, and it goes a little something like this: Journal every day, starting young. As you get older, you'll be able to see how much you have learned, and maybe even learn something from yourself.
I've journaled since the 4th grade. (that one may or may not have been a shared journal between two best friends, with weekly update's on our neighbor, turned crush, turned boyfriend, turned jerk, etc., etc., etc....you get it right?!) But like I was saying, I journaled almost daily from about the age of 10 until my sophmore year of college. From there, it get's a little spotty. I always made sure to document when I thought I met the man I was going to marry :) But other than that, there are a lot, A LOT of forgotten moment's that I would love to relish in, turning bent pages, a cup of coffee, a smile, a laugh, maybe even a tear. The best part about journaling is the honesty.

It's raw and it's real. There's no one to impress, no one to give or deny approval. Not even myself. (Although I did always try to have my cleanest, bubbliest handwriting).

While impressing clients with my talent is obviously the point of marketing yourself, I have to always be real. That's what I want from my photographs. I want them to be genuine and honest. Because that's what being in the moment is all about.

*Heavy Sigh*

Soooooooo, on to the real reason of this post. I'm going to bullet point these reminders, for the sake of keeping them short and sweet.
Remember:
~To never let your head get bigger than your heart.
~To remember what it's all about.
~To listen. To your client, your instinct, and the words of encouragement coming from the sideline.
~To take criticism just as easily as you take compliments. Or maybe it's the other way around.
~To never be afraid to fail at something you love.

In no particular order.

To learning.

Let me introduce....

This angel face here is my new niece! My little brother created this beauty of a thing and I think she is just the most precious creature to (one day) walk this earth! She was born on March 11th, two days after her due date. I was so lucky to get to be there for her birth! Getting to share such an exciting moment with a sibling...it's priceless. And, because I don't go anywhere exciting without my camera, I was able to capture some beautiful moments that otherwise might have been eventually lost in the blur of exciting events that day!

I also informed my brother that he had no choice-I was taking her newborn photos! I COULDN'T pass up an opportunity to practice my newborn shooting skills. The fact that she is blood to me gives me all privilages to dress her in ridiculously cute headbands and the most adorable angel wings, right?! I'm sure I'm biased for more than one reason but I am so happy with the pictures. It was so reassuring to have a vision and see it become real. It's also kind of fun to surprise yourself!

9 times out of 10, I am my own worst enemy. I critique every detail of my work and so easily become discouraged that "who am I" to be great at this? "Who am I" to know what the hell I'm doing, more than the next guy. I compare my pictures, my therapeutic moments at work, my wife skills, my dog's ability to 'come' compared to the next dog at the local dog park...and the list goes on. In a way, I'm glad that I am probably one of my hardest critics because it only pushes me to work harder, learn more, and most importantly-think outside of the box. I've always been a creative person. Art was my favorite subject growing up other than basketball. But creativity is something that can get very lost in comfort. Being too comfortable, too sure of yourself, too burnt out. I definitely haven't reached a point of being burnt out. And I'm definitely still learning so much that I am not completely comfortable shooting in any situation. I'm still working on the confidence that I will know exactly which setting to be at in order to get the picture that I desire, and not just luck into them. So, all in all, it's not the worst thing to be hard on myself. It keeps me on my toes.

Anyways, the photographer that I am interning under has encouraged me to journal my process of being a "starving photographer"! Haha! But, I hardly make the time to journal with pen and paper these days, and I have minimal drama to gab about on my blog so I will use my blog as my sounding board. Now if I can just write more than once a quarter! :)

So the messer become's the mess-e

So there was this photography internship that I applied for about this time last year....and I didn't get it. And then the girl that got it, got pregnant and decided she could no longer intern. So I applied again for the same internship...and didn't get it.

Or so I thought.

I got an email a couple of weeks ago from the photographers saying that they have an opportunity for me and would like to meet. Long story short, they really wanted me as their intern but the test results (yes, there was a test for this) showed a better match in editing with another applicant. She apparently had a great eye for it and was very close to their style.

But what I didn't know is that they were also looking for someone to help them teach their classes, which is how I met them in the first place. I have taken their entire series of classes and learned so much from them. They decided they wanted someone to help them lead classes a couple of times a week in return for guidance in bettering (that's a word right?) photography skills and learning the business. And they reached out to me because they were confident I could do it and thought I had a great personality for it! *Insert my in shock but totally flattered face* They offered me an internship to teach the same classes that I was actually considering re-taking to see if I could get anything more from taking them over!!

Uuummmmmm, excuse me? You want me, little ol' me, the pupil, the amateur, the going on 2 years beginner, to TEACH other people how to do all the things I still feel so "beginner-ish" about? Uuummm. OKAY!

So that's it! I'm doing it. Both times I applied for the editing position, I reassured myself that what will be, will be. While I was a little dissapointed both times I didn't get the spot, I wasn't devestated and I totally believed that I was on a road that WILL lead me to where I need to go. I had taken the opportunity, but I knew that if it didn't happen, then it wasn't supposed to. I had my discouraging moments and a few times I've thought to myself that I don't know if I can achieve what I want to so badly, but I had such a strong feeling in my gut that something more than what it already is will come from this. Even in the blur of dissapointment, it all just felt right.

When I got that email, I had confirmation that I had been right all along. This position is such a better fit for me. They say you learn more from teaching, so there is no way I can't gain from this. I am so grateful for Fife Photography. They have taught me so much not just about photography but about what I want from it. They are an awesome family with a desire to help others love and be successful with this art. What great people! I am so lucky to get to work side by side with them and can't wait to start!

Soooooo, if you've ever been interested in sprucing up your skills on the camera...you should check out their classes. And if you're lucky, maybe I'll be your teacher. ;)

www.Fifephotogaphy.com/lessons/

To learning! (and teaching)

Spreading the Love

There is too much hurt in this world. Therefore, maybe we should create more joy, more happiness, more laughter and more love to balance it out...right?

But who do we create it for?

Because to bring about this positive energy for myself...well, isn't that just selfish? I've got enough. Far more than I deserve. Enough to give me a guilty concious every now and then. To offer it to my friends and family...not that they wouldn't benefit from it, but again, I am gratefully surrounded by people that, like me, are beyond blessed with wonderful people in their lives and wonderful things going for them. So, to feel like I am truly making a difference by being a good friend, daughter, wife, sister, etc....it's not neccesarily life changing for those that need it the most.



Anyways, just had an emotional day. Saw too many stray dogs on my way to work and dealt with too many kids with gut wrenching, heart breaking, keep-me-awake-at-night-thinking-about-them stories. While this is a daily for me (seriously, stray dogs nearly every day), some days it just weighs heavier on my heart.

Some things just feel better when you get them down on paper, err, computer screen.

Smile at someone today.

He must have 3 eyes....

Ok, Please tell me that I am not the only one that thinks that this is the STRANGEST celebrity 'First Official Picture of My Child' picture? Because apparently, no one in the media thinks so. This is Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr's first photo of their newborn child. You can't even see the kids face!!!! And don't get me wrong, I'm all about a woman's right's to breast feed when and where she pleases...but why would I WANT to see a picture of her child latched onto her boob? That's typically a situation where I avoid looking if possible in order to give them privacy, because as natural and beautiful as it is, it is still a private, intimate moment. (But what do I know...I've never breast fed)!

Let's not get too deep though. I get it Miranda, you're a Victoria's Secret model and have great boobs. But, if you really knew that I am only interested in finding out whether or not the gene pool of two ridiculously gorgeous people pulled a 180 on their offspring and gave him three eyes or something weird like that, you would realize how irrelevant this picture is to me.

Facebook Friday

~It's always a little nerve racking stopping to get gas for the first time in a new car. I never think before hand to check and see which side my gas tank is on. And my last car, it threw me for one. Why wouldn't they just put them all on the driver's side?

~You know when you are lying in bed and you're not necessarily uncomfortable, but you decide to make a move and roll over and/or re-adjust your body somehow? And once you do.....it's like you've just hit the jackpot of comfort. I mean, it's literally like you have just melted into a cloud and you're body feel's as if it has reached the ultimate state of euphoria. I'm pretty sure if someone could find a way to bottle up that feeling, they could make millions. (Maybe they already did and it's called heroin? But I wouldn't know...)

~How is it that I have just discovered the greatness of Nutella! Oh. My. Gosh. SoGood. And they market it as healthy...I'm not sure I fully believe this but I'm definitely arguing that point to my husband as I finish off the jar in less than one week.

~I'm so excited to head out to Dallas tomorrow for my childhood friends wedding! He and I were inseperable along with our third wheel B. Wils, so her and I are getting some girl time as we see him get hitched and the huz get's a guys night playing xbox and burping with the fellas.

Facebook status' I never posted on Facebook for fear that people might think I don't have a life outside of Facebook

So, like said in title...these are a few Facebook status post's that I would have made this week, only I hate to be one of those people that update's their Facebook status mulitple times a day. Sometime's I wonder if their facebook talk's back to them...?

~Oklahoma Sky-where do you get your colors from? They can't be real. Far too beautiful to be real.

~Really? If you're going to give me an up-down, could you at least not be so obvious about it? Or I don't know, maybe acknowledge me at some point with a "hello" or even just a smile so that I can tell myself that you were admiring my new boots instead of noticing the extra lb's from the holidays. I mean, we do work together so to not say hi in passing is awkward enough. To feel judged when in passing is even worse. Thanks.

~I love GABABOUT Post!! You must download the app if you send mass text's for say, Happy Hour. It's basically a really pretty, fun, and/or themed invitation but through text. They even have cute little notepad's so you can send a 'note' to someone. Here is one I sent the huz while playing with it.

He replied with, "Busy day at work?"

~I wonder if my husband and I will ever feel like our home is completely finished? Is that a real expectation? Does everyone else live like this?

The End.

2010

Ahhhh, another year gone by. I've had some pretty good one's in my time, but this might have been the best! Let's recap, shall we?!



January 2010: Somehow managed to get out of bed and function after a successful new years eve celebration and continue the party at the Dallas Cowboys stadium for the OSU bowl game vs. Ole Miss. The evening before, I was checking into our hotel and a random guy said to me "Hottie Tottie?" I couldn't believe the best pick up line he could come up with was to offer me a hot tottie, something my mother offers her friends at happy hour. I gave a confused grimace and walked away. I have never hated the words 'hottie tottie' so much after the bowl game. And I felt especially stupid thinking he was hitting on me. Regardless, I had probably the most fun I have ever had at a football game thanks to friends, family, and some Tattoo. Too bad we lost.

February: I got my wedding dress in....in the right size!! It shipped to me in Oct. 2009 and
was the wrong size. The store tried to convince me that I had just gained weight. I stared at them in disbelief and proposed the idea that my clothes probably wouldn't be fitting very well if I had gained that much weight in 2 months. The zipper of this dress zipped maybe 2 inches, stopped right at my lower back and it wasn't going any higher no matter how much I sucked in. Considering the dress was custom made for me(to the wrong size) and shipped from SPAIN!!, this was a brides worst nightmare. Apparently the designer had changed the sizing charts and the lady that took my measurements measured it with 2008's chart and not 2009's...therefore, sending them the wrong size. Luckily for me, they had one, in Spain, at Pronovias, in the perfect size...just waiting for me!

March: My little brother turned 21! Yikes. Mom and I made a trip to Stillwater to take him out to eat at Kyoto's and show him how it's supposed to be done on the strip!



April: I turned 26! And I played an awesome April fools joke on my husband! Faking a pregnancy with a friends postive pregnancy test will have you rolling on the floor holding your tummy from laughter!

May: The first of several wedding showers started May 1st! It was my boat shower thrown by an amazing family friend. I had such a good time and felt so blessed to have such wonderful women celebrating my marriage. This was also the month of my awesome bachelorette party in Austin. Seriously, it was awesome.








June: The month I got married! It was a busy, busy month full of incredible showers, incredible people, and a lot of highway. The wedding went off without a hitch and was the wedding I've always dreamed of. I look at my wedding pictures at least once a week and still can't believe how amazing it was. Matt and I were so lucky to get to share the best day of our lives with so many people that love us! I was truly honored to be at my own wedding.



July: We spent the first few days of July on our Honeymoon in Kauai, HI! One word-AMAZING. I have been to Hawaii twice, both times to Maui. While it was beautiful, I can't even describe how much I loved Kauai. Matt and I were already on cloud nine from the wedding, and this place was the cherry on top. Okay, maybe like 10 cherry's on top. Amazing. A. MA. ZING.



August: We got to celebrate 2 of our good friends getting married! One of Matt's friends from college and groomsman got married to an awesome girl that I have become good friends with. I love it when that happens! This is also the month that we began our renovations to our house. *Heavy Sigh*

September: Well, my kitchen went missing this month due to my husband taking on the demolition for our re-modeling plans. Football season began and Matt and I took a trip to Vegas for my best friend's couples bachelor/bachelorette party. Good times, that September.

October: My BFF Jessica got married! Her wedding was so beautiful and so Jessica. She and I had so much fun planning our wedding's together. It was nice to be able to call her and vent about the wedding stressors and her know exactly what I was going through. But I promise, I'm not complaining!

November: The house is getting closer to being finished, but still far enough away that we dread coming home everyday because our house is so torn up. It was definitely a tough time period...Matt and I joked that newlyweds should never put themselves through something like this within their first 4 months of marriage. And then we high fived each other because we were strong enough to have made it this far throughout the process without wanting to rip each other's heads off. Don't get me wrong, there was some tension and disagreements every now and then, but we worked as a team to create our dream home without taking our frustration out on the other person. Go Us.



December: Well besides getting to celebrate our first Christmas as married folk, our house remodeling was finished!!! Yay!! I mean, there are still some little things we need to finish up, but our home is clean, livable, cookable, lounge-in-front-of-the-tv-on-the couch-able (that's proper grammer, I checked). It was amazing being able to throw down some bread on the counters and make a sandwhich or walk in the front door and not have to go straight upstairs to the only functional room in the whole house. We have a toilet in our downstairs bathroom again as well as doors! It's the little things right?



I can't believe my life sometimes and am so lucky to be able to look back and reflect on such good memories with such good people. I married someone who can best be summed up with the overused word 'amazing'. But it's true. I had some of the best times and was given so many opportunities to be surrounded by my best friends. I am so lucky to have such great ladies who care so much about being a part of my life. I have been given so much support from my family and could not have pulled off my dream wedding with out my Mom. She made it happen. Now onward to 2011.